Need to Know
by exduck
Summary: Sam needs to know


Title: Need To Know

Rating: PG  
Category: Angst, UST, a little humor  
Episodes: Affinity (continuation of the ring scene)  
Characters/Pairing: Jack/Sam  
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 is the property of MGM and other companies, not me.  
Summary: Sam needs to know

He headed for the door, intent on making his escape. He needed to get to his office. He needed to lock himself inside and try to find some small amount of relief by smashing something heavy against the nearest wall. But he had only made it halfway to the door when she stopped him with, "You can't leave it with just 'I wouldn't be here.'"

Trying his best to be flippant, he turned back to face her and replied, "Well, you asked."

"Yes, I did. But I was hoping for a real answer."

"That was a real answer. Perhaps a bit ambiguous, but…"

She shook her head. "We are far too good at having conversations and somehow never really saying a thing."

"So why stop now? Wouldn't it be simpler to stick with what we know?"

"Maybe, but this time the easy way out isn't going to work. This time what's _not_ being said changes everything."

"I hate to break it to you, but I think we're damned if we do and damned if we don't on this one," he told her, gesturing to the small ring box that lay on the workbench in front of her.

She touched the ring box lightly. "This is—"

"A big honkin' fork in the road? Yeah, I got that," he conceded, stepping further back into the room, realizing there would be no escape from this.

She had succeeded in pulling him back to the conversation; the trouble was she had no idea what to say next. Her mind flashed to all the moments they had shared together, regretting the ones they had never been allowed to share. Every moment taken or passed by had brought them here to this moment. Big honkin' fork in the road indeed.

"I wonder how many alternate versions of us are out there," she began. "And how many of them are having this same conversation. Every choice, every decision made, changing their future, splitting them off onto a new path."

Listening to her words, he silently wondered how many versions of himself had actually made it out that door, looking for anything or anyone to beat the crap out of. Or how many had said the words that he couldn't. How many chose that moment to change their path completely, to throw the ring in the trash and kiss her with every bit of pent-up desire he'd known for all these years, and to hell with all the rules keeping them apart.

She was watching him, still waiting for his answer, and he found himself envying his alternate selves. In this reality he needed to be the good guy, to keep his heart hidden, at least as much as he ever could hide anything from her. In this reality he had to let her choose which path she would follow.

"What do you want me to say here, Carter?"

"I don't know … the truth?"

"The truth is overrated."

"Yeah, well, tonight it's not," she began, the frustration clear in her voice. "I've spent two week staring at this ring. Before I can give an answer, I need a few answers myself. So, I'm asking again. What about you?"

"What about me?" he asked, doing his best to keep his voice neutral, but not quite succeeding.

"If things were different…"

"Carter."

"I need to know." She was edging towards tears.

"Why?" he asked, wishing she would just let it go and knowing she wouldn't.

"Because…"

"Why?" he repeated softly, holding out his hands in front of him.

"Because I care about you ... a lot more than I'm supposed to." She stopped herself, somewhat surprised she'd actually said it out loud. Taking a deep breath, she pressed on. "Because I need the truth now more than ever, and because I've never asked you for it before." With her last words, the tears finally broke from her eyes, spilling onto her cheeks. She looked down, unsuccessfully trying to hide her tears from him. Seeing her tears, he left the relative safety of the workbench they'd used as a shield between them. Working his way around it, he stood before her. Gently crooking a finger under her chin, he lifted her face to his and made her look into his eyes.

"I was trying to get the truth out of you and somehow you have me confessing," she whispered.

"I'm sneaky like that." He slowly moved his hand from under her chin, lightly brushing his thumb across her cheek, wiping away the stray tear. "Sam, you have never _had_ to ask me for the truth before, because what would be the point of me confessing to something you already knew… What you have always known. " He reluctantly let his hand fall away from her cheek, stepping back from her to try and find a safe distance before continuing. "And God knows you are also far too smart to really think that my silence means that I'm ok with all of this. To think that the selfish bastard inside me I'm trying so desperately to suppress isn't screaming for you to just tell this guy 'No.'"

Wiping her cheeks, she gave him half a smile. "So you pick today of all days to suppress your inner selfish bastard?"

"Ironic, isn't it?" He nodded. "Thought I'd try out _selfless_ bastard today."

"And how's that working for you?"

"Got to say, I don't really like it."

She laughed softly at his words, and he smiled down at her. The sound somehow, at least momentarily, eased the pain of his breaking heart.

She looked over at the ring box that seemed to be taunting her. "I still need answers, you know. How can I walk away without them?"

"I can't give you any more…" He began, before adding a barely audible, "And I can't ask you to wait."

She turned back to face him and her chest ached. Even if he couldn't, or wouldn't, voice his feelings, she could see it in his eyes. His pain reflected her own, and somehow it confused her even more.

"You really are just going to silently stand by and watch me start a new life with him?"

"Well, I'm going to try my best not to watch."

"Sarcasm or silence, these are my choices?" Anger flared in her voice, their verbal dance getting them nowhere.

"What do you want from me? I'm trying to be good guy here, Carter." The annoyance in his voice was quickly matching hers.

"Well, stop it! I'm not looking for good here. I have the biggest decision of my life to make, so I need you to stop hiding behind all this damned selflessness. For God's sake, you have to give me something."

If she was looking for a trigger, she found it.

"Give you something?" He laughed bitterly. "What the hell do you think I'm doing here? You think I'm enjoying this? I'm giving you my permission or blessing or whatever damn thing it is you need." His voice rose as he angrily took a step towards her, invading her space. "I'll go to your wedding. I'll watch you take your vows and I'll even try to smile. At the reception I'll drink too much and dance far closer to the bride than I should. Teal'c and Daniel will then escort me home before I make a _complete_ ass out of myself. That's what I can give you, and don't act like you don't know how much it's costing me." Reaching out, he ran his hand down her arm, pulling her in a little closer, needing her to understand. Anger still burned in his eyes, but his voice broke slightly as he continued. "Because the simple truth is, no matter how understanding I may try and be, those are our vows to take, our first dance to share, our children to raise and our grandchildren to spoil. Those are our stories to tell, our memories to make … and our sunsets to watch fade away as we grow old together."

He loosened his grip on her arm as his anger flared out, and he took a step a back. The movement caused his hand to slide down her arm, pausing as his fingertips found hers, before he quietly finished. "This is your decision, yes, but it's _our_ lives you are deciding for. Our destiny to take or to let slip away."

They stood facing each other, hearts hammering in their chests, their fingers still tangled together and the truth finally laid out before them. She had gotten her answer.

"So, no pressure then." She exhaled a nervous laugh that was somehow simultaneously full of relief and panic.

"Well, you asked," he said, shaking his head, not quite believing what he had just said to her.

He looked over at the small ring box that had somehow knocked him off his nice safe pedestal and realized that despite his best efforts, their path had just shifted, to where he didn't know. That whole selfless thing he was going for looked less and less appealing. There was a glint in his eyes as he looked back up, and he knew by the way her eyes widened in response that she could see it.

"And since this seems to be the moment for being truthful, you asked 'if things had been different?' Well, know this, if there wasn't a planet to protect or rules to follow…" Scooping the ring box off the table, he opened it, holding it in his hand. His movements were purposefully slow as he closed back in on her, his body close but not quite touching hers. Glancing quickly over his shoulder, before looking back at her, he added, "If there wasn't a camera watching our every move, then_, oh yes_, things would be _very_ different. And believe me, if you had any doubt whatsoever of which path you were meant to take, I would make sure to show you _exactly_ how I feel on the subject."

He took her hand in his, drawing it to him. He could have sworn he heard her breath catch as he ran his thumb slowly across her open palm. Never taking his eyes off her face, his other hand came up, setting the open ring box in her still-open palm. She glanced down at the ring dividing them, only to look up just as he leaned in. His free hand found its way back to her arm, pulling her body into his own as his mouth lightly kissed her cheek and then slid slowly towards her ear. She tried, unsuccessfully, to suppress the shiver running through her at the feeling of his lower lip grazing her earlobe, as his mouth worked its way into a sly smile. "And just so you know," he began softly, even as his hand curled around hers, causing the box to loudly snap shut. "Mine will be much bigger."

Without another word he stepped back from her and walked away, leaving her in stunned silence.

She stared at the empty doorway for what felt like an eternity before looking down at the now closed ring box in her hand, her choice staring back at her. Every moment, every choice, every decision taking you on a new path … to choose destiny or to let it slip away.


End file.
